While most sites will post a boring write-up on being on time, being nice and networking, I’m here to tell you the “real” nitty gritty of just what it takes to become a “real” professional freelancer. Here’s your very own copy of the Professional Freelancer’s Guide To Professional Freelancing.
But beware, ignore these steps, skip over a few, or do them out of order and you’re doomed to fail and return to that crappy cubicle making logos bigger and adding pictures of cute animals to gas station websites for the rest of your life.
So, here it is. Pay attention now!
Step 1: Dress Like a Freelancer
More important that anything in the world, wearing the correct attire makes all the difference between the “professional” freelancer and those other losers out there.
So what does a professional freelancer wear? A suit? Nope. How about casual khakis or jeans? Nope and nope. A professional freelancer sticks to a strict dress code of just a few quality items:
- Pajamas–Preferably ones that have been worn more than once.
- Sweatpants–Stained ones are the mark of the super professionals.
- Geek glasses–Even if your vision is perfect, you must wear a pair of black thick framed plastic glasses…or else.
Never brush your hair, never take showers, and never brush those teeth… hygiene is for the poor unfortunates who have to attend a regular nine to five. And exercise? Forget about it! You’ve got 36 hours of Lost reruns to watch.
Step 2: How to Handle the “Work”
They’re expecting you to do work? Preposterous! No professional freelancer ever does work–that stuff’s for the little guys.
If you do decide to bend a little to put in some hours minutes of work, there are a few basic principles you should remember to follow:
- Deadlines are like expiration dates–A best guess, but not always accurate. Sometimes you have a week more, maybe even two.
- The design the client hands you to code? Yuck! Go ahead and improve upon it throw it out the window and come up with something you know is better.
Step 3: Finding Work
The real professional freelancer should never actually care about finding work. You’re too cool for that. You know that as soon as your site goes live, the worldwide web will stop immediately and flood to your super awesome portfolio. All you need to do is sit back and wait for all the clients who’ll beg for you to work with them. (Although it’s not likely you will actually agree to work for them. You’re too cool for that.)
Step 4: Setting Your Work Hours
The Professional Freelancer’s Guide To Professional Freelancing is very clear on this one. You should never be expected to awake before noon and don’t forget to remind your family that you’re too busy to spend time with them because you’re working until 4 a.m. Who cares if it’s Christmas? You’ve got sites to design!
Step 5: Your Equipment
The newest and coolest Mac is required for every “real” professional. You get bonus points if it’s got all of the upgrades and you persuaded your grandma to buy it for you. A smartphone, iPad and $20 Moleskin notebooks are required as well. Don’t waste money on a desk or proper lighting though, just work on the floor, or your mom’s dining room table.
Step 6: The Client
The most unfortunate part of being a professional freelancer is that you have to deal with clients. I guess nothing is perfect, right?
Well, just because we have to deal with these blockheads, doesn’t mean we have to be nice about it. It’s time to show you’re large and in charge.
Make sure you never answer the phone, their IMs or their emails…unless you want to and until you feel like it. Don’t ever greet them, that’s the sign of someone who doesn’t know how to run their business. Instead, put on your most haughty tone and let them know where they stand–which is right underneath you. Treat them properly and they’ll go away.
Step 7: Downtime
Never waste your downtime on work or clients. Never use it to learn new things or read books. Instead, fill all of your downtime surfing Facebook, playing WoW, and fighting with 14-year-old kids over Xbox Live.
You’ve worked hard the whole week so it’s time you paid attention to #1–Yep that’s you, buddy!
The Bottom Line
As you’ve probably figured out by now, this post was written in fun.
What’s the real secret to being a professional freelancer? Doing the opposite of every thing described above! ;)
What “real professional freelancer” habits do you plan to break? :)
Image by pheaber